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shamrocked's Reviews
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Sunday, Apr 11, 2010
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Chili's (1) ~ Chicago O'Hare International Airport, Terminal 1, Near B14 "Have you ever done something that, once it's over, you look back, and can't believe you did it, but you're glad you did, even if you won't ever do it again? Because I have. I went to a Chilis. A Chilis in an airport. And I kind of liked it. Don't judge me. I can get my hate on Chilis. And this particular location did manage to greet me with their dumpster bins full right in front of the receiving area. But ... ... Chilis exists to make a profit, and they don't pretend otherwise. That's why they sell deep fried butter coated with salt. People like that. So don't think Chilis doesn't know the markup on alcohol. They do. Buh-lee dat. And that makes them incredibly efficient at serving it. Which means, gentle reader, that this place is an assembly line for getting your drink on. Like bangin a hot midget, drinking at an airport Chilis isn't something I'm proud of. But I'm not ashamed of it, either. Make of that what you will." |
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Wednesday, Jan 27, 2010
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Samuel Adams Brewhouse ~ Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport, Terminal A, After Security "If you’ve ever wondered what airport bars are like in prison, check out the Sam Adams Pub in Terminal A. First off, it’s Terminal A, the ghetto terminal. If ever there was a place that needed a good, solid bar--a place where you could go kill the pain--this is it. Instead, you got the Sam Adams Pub. Cramped seating? Check. Wait staff that struggles to keep up with more than one table? Check. A menu with maybe a half-dozen options? Check. Food comes from the sketchy looking deli across the hall? Bet your ass. And, of course, there’s the crap selection of mass-produced beer, all at prices you’d expect to pay at FedEx Field or the Mayflower. Yeah, this is what airport bars are like in prison. I’ve got the throbbing pain to prove it." |
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Sunday, Nov 22, 2009
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Firkin and Fox ~ Washington Dulles International Airport, Concourse C, near C22 "Drinking at the airport is usually like being a pigeon that keeps whappin' itself into a closed window. I'm not 100 percent sure what I mean by that, but I do know that it's especially true at the Fox & Firkin. If you like the whole idea of a traditional English pub--and sweet Lordy in heaven, I do--then you will regard this bar as a personal insult. Let's just start with the fact that you're in Dulles, where Stalinist realism had its last big hurrah, so the atmosphere isn't exactly Shropshire-on-Buggery. Then there's the beer. If you're going to sling a bunch of watered down American lights, could you have the basic decency to drop your cutesy bullshit affectations? Look, franchising is a great business innovation that allows profitable entities to scale rapidly and serve customers more efficiently. But whoever decided to put this mediocre licensee into this spectacularly inappropriate location deserves a "firkin" ass-whoopin'." |
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Saturday, Nov 21, 2009
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Samuel Adams ~ Manchester Airport, Before Security "I give this place three stars. It was ordinary in every way. Unlike the review by "John," which was extraordinary. How hard is it to spell "reasonably"? I live a life of mystery and intrigue, where every second I have to be alert to pending disaster, but I still manage to spell basic English words correctly. " |
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Saturday, Nov 21, 2009
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Jose Cuervo's Tequileria ~ Kansas City International Airport, Terminal B (near gate 36) "Long have I waited, friends, for a venue in which I could spout off on the ways I hate this bar. I suppose I had it coming. Here I am, traveling for once on my own dime, and I think, "I know, I'll go visit my brothers out in Oregon." Being cheap, I decided to fly Southwest. Being on the East Coast, I had to stop over in KC. Look, nothing against Kansas City. I've been there for work. It's actually a neat little city. But its airport is for shit, with bars that are an affront to all decent people. I mean, if you order una cerveza--in a place that has "Jose," "Cuervo," and "Tequileria" in its name, for crying out loud--you should be greeted with something other than a blank stare. I haven't seen such befuddlement since I got in a drinking contest with my 4-year-old niece. Of course, looking back on it, I guess I should've known. Who goes to a Mexican restaurant in an airport? In Kansas City? You know what? I'm changing my review. I get the one star." |
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Saturday, Nov 21, 2009
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Cibo Bistro & Wine Bar ~ Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport, National Hall, South "They say D.C. is Hollywood for ugly people, and this place lives to prove it. It's not so much that the drinks are mostly made of grapes, which is great if you're a child or a biblical personage, but that the whole place strains at a self-importance it can't begin to attain. Look, if you're in an airport and you want to hit a wine bar, super. You're classy. We get it. But you know what? You're getting the same microwaved greasy crap, with the same crappy plastic utensils, as the schlubby tourists down at TGIFs. [Shudder.] We'll all pretend to be impressed by your off-the-rack Burberrys pinstripes and only-somewhat-clashing Brooks Brothers half Windsor. In the meanwhile, enjoy your too warm, overpriced Chilean red. God knows, you deserve it." |
